Coffeeholics Anonymous

“After 2 years of a nocturnal heavy Masters program, I found it hard to stay awake beyond 10am at my new job so I turned to black coffee. Before I knew it, I was up to 5 a day and hooked.”

“I can’t remember the last time I woke up in the morning and did NOT immediately brew coffee.”

“Coffee as a wake-up ritual is so important that I prepare my coffee machine the previous night so I just need to hit the switch in the morning.”

“I can give up all my coffees but that one on road trips. Driving on an interstate highway, tuned in to the right radio station, sipping that perfect blend until the last drop - ah! that’s the experience to die for.”

“I don’t understand these downtowners walking around city blocks sipping their lattes. Coffee is a beverage meant to be enjoyed while seated.”

“I used to think that a cigarette was the best way to greet a new day. I was wrong. A cigarette while sipping coffee is perfection.”

“After 10 years I divorced my husband. He’s Republican and I’m Democrat but that wasn’t the problem. He just won’t change his watered-down tea drinking habits - I’ve tried everything.”

“They say there is no such thing as bad pizza. Well, there is such a thing called bad coffee but it’s a pity you can’t always smell it from afar.”

“I use Zoom backgrounds of my favorite coffee shops for my morning meetings as it invaribly triggers conversations that test my resolve. Am I strong-willed or simply a masochist?”

“There is something deeply spiritual about reading the Sunday New York Times with coffee. Now why would ANYONE want to take that away?”

“The famous RK Narayan has bristled at the idea of coffee as an addiction. According to him, the word is disparaging and is akin to calling each other milk addicts or food addicts or air addicts. The most painful experience is to hear a tea-drinker or a cocoa-drinker or a purist who drinks only water hold forth on the evils of drinking coffee.”

“If everybody drank a good cup of coffee in the morning, the world would be more peaceful.”

“I once spent a night in the jail because I assaulted a barista. He mistakenly served me a disgusting hazelnut concoction instead of my regular cappuccino. I know he brews 100’s of cups daily but that was MY morning cappuccino he screwed up.”

“What annoys me the most is the false equivalence between the 2-coffees-a-day chappie and the 2-cigarettes-a-day chump. The latter is a dimwit who has quit the race with victory in grasping distance. The former is the truly rare balanced human being.”

                            ********************

This was obviously on a Zoom call with half the attendees ‘keeping video off` as they hadn’t had their morning coffee yet.

We’ve been getting requests to take Coffeeholics Anonymous to Clubhouse. We direct at those folks the same sharply disapproving look that we reserve for folks ordering pumpkin spice latte.